From a Widow's Pen

Reflections From the Heart

Tag: Hope

Replenishment (November 2013)

As we struggle down this path called cancer. There have been only 2 constants – John’s poor health and God’s perfect provision. I do not understand how those without faith make it through crisis. No, I’m not looking for a debate, I’m simply providing a testimony. Without faith I would have caved long ago.

God keeps showing Himself faithful. He has not chosen to heal John yet and I do not know if He will. But He has ministered to us. He has provided for us financially – I have a good job, our house is now under a lease/purchase agreement and family and friends have made generous gifts to keep us afloat. We have been able to pay all of our bills and my kids have been able to continue in their sports without a tremendous financial strain.

God is providing for our children. Just this weekend, one of Elaina’s good friends from Louisiana drove down (well her parents drove) to spend the weekend with the girls. I worry about my girls. The day to day of watching their father suffer. Elaina, I worry about the most, simply because she is the one who is old enough to fully understand this situation with her father. She wants desperately to spend time with him. She sits in his room and just watches him. She has begun to complain about stomach pains and being ill. I attribute it to stress. I have prayed that she would make a good friend here in Oklahoma. Someone who lives close enough that they can come and play and hang out together. This prayer, I am still waiting on God to answer. So when He sent her friend from Louisiana, I was in tears over His wonderful gift. A weekend to enjoy with a buddy to get out of the house and away from the sadness. Thank you God for providing her that release.

God has also provided us a church family that loves us and cares for us. They brought an abundance of food and snacks when John was in the hospital. They listened to me cry and sent cards and encouraging notes.

My constant prayer is that John’s suffering ends soon. That he is either made whole again in his earthly body or taken to his heavenly body which knows no more agony. The sadness in the second scenario is for the girls and me. The things they will miss out on with him. The things he could teach them. Knowing the love of an earthly father and the strong arms to carry you through tough times, these are things I want for my girls. The thought of them missing out on that saddens me. They have/had such a wonderful daddy. And selfishly, I am grieved by the thought of walking through life without him as well. He has always been my Spiritual strength and guide, my companion, my husband. He is someone I could talk to, and laugh with and cry with.

I don’t know how this will end. But I do know that God is going to take care of us – John, the girls and me.

A Ray of Hope (December 2013)

A month ago, after John’s second surgery, the surgeon suggested there was nothing more he could do and the oncologist wouldn’t see us. It was a vicious cycle, oncologist says we have to treat the infection – talk to the surgeon; Surgeon says, infection is caused by cancer, kill the cancer, kill the infection. We were at a huge crossroads of despair. The surgeon suggested we call hospice and try and get his pain under control. He called the oncologist and made his suggestion and she agreed to see us.

Her plan, a hail mary pass at chemo again. It would not cure him but it would likely buy him more time. On the flip side, chemo for an individual this sick (malnutrition, known infection, recovering from major surgery) is very risky. We were warned that it could back fire and ultimately bring about his demise faster. But John is a fighter. He did not want to give up.

So we took the chance – and today, one month later, we are seeing definite signs of improvement! Is it working? Will this bring about comfort and a small level of normalcy back to our lives? Will it allow us the freedom to move out on our own? I’m not sure, but it does provide a ray of hope.

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